Wednesday, May 29, 2024
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New York City Therapists Overwhelmed by Yankees Fans After Jose Altuve Destroys Their Franchise Again

A very real completely serious representation of the 2017 AL MVP and some dude with a 30.3% career K%

NEW YORK CITY, NY— Therapists specializing in PTSD and trauma recovery were overwhelmed this week as their offices flooded with traumatized Yankees fans following yet another devastating loss at the hands of Jose Altuve and the Houston Astros. “It’s been a rough decade for Yankees fans everywhere, what with no World Series wins or even appearances to celebrate,” said senior psychologist Frankie Campagnatta. “We had a big spike in 2015 when the Mets made it to the World Series but that dissipated pretty quickly once they lost. We still get a small uptick every time the city is subjected to Alex Rodriguez on the national broadcast, but things have been pretty smooth since they got over the 2019 loss” That all changed after Jose Altuve launched a 3-run walk-off home run into the Crawford Boxes at Minute Maid Park, capping off a 6-run comeback in the bottom of the 9th.

The Yankees are in an unusual slump as a franchise, failing to appear in a World Series for an entire decade for only the second time in the franchise’s existence. 2015 onwards has been particularly difficult, as the Mets made the WS, then they were sellers at the trade deadline in 2016, were shutout in Game 7 of the 2017 ALCS, lost in embarrassing fashion at home to Boston in 2018, were walked off by Altuve in 2019, and then again by Randy Arozarena in 2020. As the tragedies paraded by and the tears rained down, memories of confetti-filled championship parades were washed away

Quentin-Anon Morelli, an NYC native who runs the Twitter account “29 Rings**,” dedicated to theorizing how the Yankees should have an extra two WS rings for the years the Astros eliminated them from the playoffs, let us listen in on one of his sessions with Campagnatta

Astros dugout and crowd erupts as Altuve completes the comeback
Photo Credit: Houston Astros Facebook

“He [Altuve] can’t keep getting away with it! Knowing he was definitely using a buzzer to hit made me feel better about losing in 2017 and 2019. He just had to be a bum without it… (some lines spoken while sobbing are removed here). I mean, it’s not like he was putting up 200+ hits a season before 2017! After the trash can story broke, it was like I was healed. I didn’t close my eyes at night and see Aroldis Chapman scowling on the mound after he blew another game for us in the postseason. More crying occurs. Then he hit another game-winning home run in the Bronx on his birthday! I was beginning to doubt the buzzer theory and that’s all I have now.”

Unfortunately, Morelli’s grief and frequent breakdowns are not uncommon amongst Yankees fans nowadays, who often exhibit temporary insanity anytime a photo of Altuve with a wrinkled jersey is shown to them. We were forced to leave the therapy session when the above photo of the Astros’ second baseman was shown to Morelli by his psychologist. He began ranting about Chapman’s spirit possessing Chad Green during the 9th inning and nano-machines from Senator Armstrong being injected into several Astros hitters. Morelli was last seen fighting building security after he was informed Jose Altuve is on pace to hit more HR than Aaron Judge this year.

Jacob Hubbard

Jake is a lifelong baseball fan and grew up watching the Round Rock Express MiLB games. He played baseball from ages 2-19, but a 20 graded power tool forced him to retire. Now he spends his days yelling at Fangraphs and Baseball Savant. You can find him on Twitter @FeelSurgical